Dear Bella,
In RL, I'm an effeminate gay man. I wear dresses and makeup and high-heel shoes, and I act like a girl. My Second Life avatar is female, of course, and I've had wild fun with her. Now that I am developing close friendships in SL, however, I am faced with the dilemma of whether or not to tell my friends I am really a guy.
I have two very good friends in Second Life. We share everything and are becoming very close. It hurts me to deceive them about my true gender, but I'm afraid to tell them the truth. I'm not afraid of being rejected; I'm afraid that if I tell the truth, an illusion will be broken. In real life, I can wear women's clothes, act girly, and date men, but I can't pass for a girl -- I can't complete the illusion. In Second Life, the illusion is complete -- I'm as real a girl as anyone else. If I tell my SL girlfriends the truth, however, I worry that something will change in their minds and mine, and the illusion will be lost. Even in my Second Life, I would just be a guy in drag. I don't want that to happen. Thus, I'm conflicted about what to do.
Bella, I would really appreciate your advice on this topic. I am also interested in what your readers think. How do girls feel about having a girly-boy as a girlfriend, and would they expect him to fess up or not?
Girly-Boy in RL, but Girl in SL,
-Heidi
Dear 'Cyber Sissy', (your title by the way, not mine, readers)
You are not the first to assume a new identity in SL and you won't be the last. I'm no good at role play because at some point I have to come out and whisper conspiratorially, "Psssst, it's really me in this new disguise!" But I can understand where you're coming from in not wanting to ruin the illusion of womanliness that you have created.
My solution is this:
"Hands up who wants to be Heidi's girlfriend?" My hand is up, cos I know gay men make THE BEST girlfriends! They have such great fashion sense and can gossip like no one else on earth!
To my way of thinking, your gender is irrelevant - just like the colour of your eyes or skin. The essense of YOU is what is important. All of us to one extent or another, have created the illusion of something in here - the perfect body, or being incredibly tall or muscular or rich ...
Maybe you can draw your friend's attention to this article and from there have a bit of a chat to gauge their response. My guess is that you'll become closer because you have shared something very, very personal about yourself - a fear - that you feel safe and secure sharing with them.
(The only time I would feel betrayed by someone not revealing their true gender, would be if we had been intimate - you know the way men tell you AFTER you've had sex that they're married, got a girlfriend etc!)
Okay readers - over to you. What advice do you have for Heidi?
Bella
(Photo above of Bella The Wise Jewell, by the very talented Paolo Bade).
